I've structured my life--my very being on my ability to remain emotionally unattached; my ability to lie to myself and force myself to think different things that are not necessarily true at all. For my whole life, I've relied heavily on never having to do things the hard way: the emotional way. I'd never understood, in all of my life as a human being on this planet, why people insisted on doing the things they did. Why they insisted on loving when they knew, when I knew, they would only be hurt in the end.
Why they insisted on trying.
So I veered my life away from it--our society's crazy notion of relationships. God knows that I've watched my share of teen movies/TV shows. Everybody always ends up hurt, wishing they'd never gotten themselves involved, or pregnant. None of it ever seemed fair, so I vowed to myself that I would never be that stupid. I would never let somebody hold so much influence over me that I allowed myself to lose...well...myself.
My own thoughts of what I should do have always been infected with my parents' rules and ideas, my friends' opinions, and of course--the general public's expectations and hopes. Sometimes, I wish it could all stop. I wish I could shut myself up in a very small room with padded walls and just think.
Maybe then I could actually understand my own emotions and feelings. Maybe then I could start figuring out what it is that I want out of my own life. What it is that I need.
life: there is no esc button, no matter how badly you want it.
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